Post-9/11 Seinfeld

Bassline and mouth noises.
Jerry’s apartment. Jerry is in the kitchen
eating cereal. George is on the couch reading
a newspaper. Kramer enters with a flourish.

KRAMER
     Jerry, you won’t believe what I just saw.
     A Muslim woman, downstairs, on the third
     floor. She’s moving into the building. What
     are we gonna do, Jer’?
JERRY
     Is that so? How do you know she’s a
     Muslim? She could be a lot of things.
KRAMER
     I could tell she was Muslim. It was obvious.
JERRY
     Obvious.
GEORGE
     Why was it so obvious?
KRAMER
     Well, she was wearing a burqa.
GEORGE
     A burqa? Are you sure?
JERRY
     Are you sure you even know what a burqa
     looks like?
KRAMER
     Of course I know what a burqa looks like.
     It looks like a bathrobe.
GEORGE
     A bathrobe?
JERRY
     A burqa doesn’t look like a bathrobe. No
     one would walk around outside wearing
     anything like a bathrobe.
KRAMER
     But it’s not a bathrobe. It’s like a bathrobe.
     Only for walking around in.
JERRY
     It’s not a bathrobe for walking around in!
     You wouldn’t walk around in a bathrobe.
KRAMER
     You’re missing the point, Jer’. It’s like a
     leisure suit. You wear it casual. It’s a
     casual bathrobe.
JERRY
     A bathrobe is casual! There aren’t any
     formal bathrobes.
GEORGE
     I’ve never heard of a formal bathrobe.
KRAMER
     That’s what royalty wore.
JERRY
     No they didn’t!

Elaine comes out of the bathroom wearing a
black, velvety bathrobe.

ELAINE
     So, guys, what do you think?

Kramer freaks out.

KRAMER
     Now, she’s wearing a burqa! What do
     we do, Jer’?
ELAINE
     This isn’t a burqa. It’s the bathrobe I just
     bought.
GEORGE
     He thinks a burqa is a bathrobe.
ELAINE
     Why?
KRAMER
     I don’t. But it’s like a bathrobe.
JERRY
     It’s not like a bathrobe. It’s a burqa!
ELAINE
     Why does everyone keep saying burqa?
KRAMER
     Are you sure that’s a bathrobe? Where
     did you get it?
ELAINE
     I got it at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
KRAMER
     Are you sure you didn’t get it at a mosque?
ELAINE
     A mosque? No, it wasn’t a mosque.
JERRY
     You can’t shop at a mosque.
KRAMER
     Maybe they built a mosque inside the Bed,
     Bath and Beyond.
JERRY
     A mosque is a building.
KRAMER
     Right. And they could’ve built one inside
     the Bed, Bath and Beyond to sell burqas.
JERRY
     You can’t build a building inside another
     building! And even if you could, you
     wouldn’t build a mosque inside a Bed,
     Bath and Beyond to sell burqas!
KRAMER
     Why not? They already sell bathrobes
     there.
JERRY
     A burqa is not a bathrobe!
KRAMER
     No, but it’s like . . .

George abruptly breaks down.

GEORGE
     I need a job! It’s been three years since
     they laid me off, and I need a job. All you
     guys can talk about is burqas, and I need
     a job!

Awkward pause.

KRAMER
     Hey, I have an idea for a make-your-
     own pizza place.
JERRY
     We already did that!
KRAMER
      [expletive deleted.]

Bassline and mouth noises.
Fade out.

Copyright 2010 by Michael Marsters.
All rights reserved.

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4 thoughts on “Post-9/11 Seinfeld

  1. i’ve always liked seinfeld’s humor,
    and you’ve pretty much captured it here.

    i’m always impressed when people can say something substantial while making it sound like they’re just making a joke.

    well done, sir.

    Like

  2. divine….hidden silent wisdom….unmasking beliefs……
    science should have made people more rational in thinking…..most
    of the women in burqa does not know why they wear it……the situations which existed hundreds of year ago …..does not exist any more now….

    burqa in extreme hot condition kept body cool inside……which now sun protection can do to protect sensitive skin of women…..few hundred years before ….average age of person was 25 to 50 years….so man has to protect their women from other men’s eyes…..as a asset to bear more children…..women bearing 10 to 15 children in their life time….as a loose maternity gown also….

    now fusion of cultures….instead understanding the science ….most follow
    orthodox rituals…..good thing we have young people searching a change
    for peaceful living on our beautiful planet earth….

    love all…

    Like

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