Anatomy of a Newspaper

Front Page
Every year, hundreds of thousands of people die on the front pages of newspapers, most of them above the fold. Newspapers rank third in worldwide deaths trailing only television news broadcasts and the internet. In addition, public anxiety about deaths in newspapers is at an all time high and potential solutions to this endemic are being hotly debated. Many advocates have spoken up on the issue offering ideas from censorship to the end of literacy, but they have understandably gained little traction. A bill introduced in the United States Senate even proposed disbanding the alphabet. Predictably, it went nowhere.

Little hope for an acceptable solution seems evident, though many smaller steps can be taken to minimize one’s risk of a newspaper-related death. “One obvious precaution is to stay away from newsstands,” related Dr. Eric von Onadon, a media psychologist from Prestigious University, “Also, if you come face-to-face with someone delivering newspapers, back away from them slowly and try not to make eye contact. As for children, whatever else you do, do not let them enter journalism school.”

“Oh,” he added, “and definitely don’t let your children play with the economy.”

Business Page
Today in trading, the [incomprehensible] was [jargon] in the [geekspeak] until later that day when [scat of abbreviations and nonsense]. Financial experts now predict [conjecture of dubious logical and mathematical accuracy] as soon as [expletive deleted] however [bibbity bibbity] lead to a loss of [something or other].

Chart Plus Minus Over Under Huh Dunno Money
GPLTD 1.60 3.300 2635 18.37 2?3 6e+22 $1.00
COOCO 3.74 7.563 1829 13.44 3!7 5e-16 $1.01
BOOYA 2.45 8.690 3481 23.67 5&0 3e+11 $1.03
WFLBT 7.01 2.368 8234 19.25 6^3 9e-81 $1.07
HOGFT 5.05 4.062 4391 12.64 1&1 12e-2 $1.11
SHHHH 0.99 9.909 9099 99.90 9’9 9e+99 $0.99

Local & International News
Aren’t people in your particular geographical area quite eccentric? Don’t the people in other regions of this vast globe behave in ways that are utterly incomprehensible? Aren’t human beings a puzzle? What does culture mean anyway?

Do not fret the answers, sir or ma’am! Revel in their strangeness yet do not mock! Whose fortune it was to not be you is surely foreign, as foreign as fortune itself may be. If only we knew the most fortunate fate, we would know all, and no foreign-ness would be. Oh treasure that is knowledge! Oh oneness without and within!

Editorial Page
To the Editor:
I do not agree with your opinion regarding the facts. Your implied assertions on academic speculation conflict with my inalienable right to determinism through notional zigzags. Now, before you accuse me of bias, let me state that I’ve been accused of worse things and have far better things to do than answer such accusations. And liberalism.
All the best,
Bob Loblaw.

Editor of this newspaper:
You are a fascist. And a communist. And possibly a tattle-tale. Therefore, I will only continue to read this newspaper under protest.
End all wars. Smaller goverment. Go green!
Jeffrey J. Jeffries.

Sports Page
We got scores! We got stats!
We got all the news on men in hats!
We could analyze a rainfall
(if it struck or caught a ball!)
We got rugby results from Venice
and all injuries wrought in tennis!
We’ll put a thousand numbers in your brain
(cuz we’re about as subtle as a hurricane!)
Now how about a sucker bet?
We’ll make you feel like a winner yet!

Fashion Page
You’re wearing the wrong thing!
When Will You Understand?!

Advice Column
Dear Martha,
I’m having problems with my mother-in-law. She has no compunction about giving me unsolicited parenting advice. Finally after years of her meddling, I blew up at her and facetiously asked if she had “written the book on parenting”. To my surprise, she responded that she actually had written the book on parenting “thank you very much”. So, I demanded to see her “so-called book”, and she told me that she didn’t have a copy on her. Then, I asked her where I could get a copy, and she reluctantly told me that it was a “rare” book and only available in “Paraguay”. Therefore, my question is this: shouldn’t my wife and I at least conceive a child before people start telling me how to be a father?
Frustrated in Farmington.

Dear Frustrated,
Your letter reminds me of the parable of the frog and the seagull. You see, there was once a frog who possessed a tongue that could stretch the length of a hockey stick. He thought this made him the most unique being in the universe as he was so unique among frogs. Then, he met a seagull who had a beak the length of a pool cue. “That’s a dumb looking nose you got there,” the frog snorted. And so, the seagull pecked him over and over again until he looked like swiss cheese.
Good luck with your mother-in-law!

And Lastly, The Weather
Did you know that somewhere, out there,
someone is enjoying much better weather than you?
Now you do!

Copyright 2012 by Michael Marsters.
All rights reserved.


11 thoughts on “Anatomy of a Newspaper

  1. Side-splittingly hilarious–and very rightly poking fun at our reading habits and frames of mind upon viewing the content from any mass media source!


  2. I enjoyed this so much…how creative and fun you are. And I just came for a visit and look where I ended up…I was led to the perfect place to give me a chuckle..I needed that! πŸ™‚


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