So, I have taken several runs at creating an online dating profile in the effort to adequately commodify my best attributes for public perusal. The photo I’ve chosen to represent me in this endeavor is the one following.
Not a great photographical feat by any means. The lighting isn’t great for one and creates some odd shading patterns. But it’s a decent representation of me, I thought. That is, until I submitted it for analysis to Photofeeler which is an app where people can vote on pictures of people and rate them in several categories. I did this with the idea that if it rated poorly I’d try to take a better picture, but if it rated okay I’d stick with it. The early voting results were not good.
Now it’s only ten votes but I was taken aback by that 2%. It’s honestly hilarious. I’m still laughing thinking about it now. It just goes to show you that even when you’re expectations are low, people can go even lower.
At any rate, I’m going to stick with that photo of me, flaws and all. What’s more I’ll leave you with this quote to ponder:
“If you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
Begin Date: March 2010
Number of Posts: 360
Number of Good Posts: Six
Avg. Reader Review: Four Stars
“This blog uses a lot of words many of them more than five letters. I didn’t know so many words existed. I was going to buy my son a dictionary but I’ll just have him read this blog instead. Not all the words are in here but enough of them are. I mean who uses the whole dictionary anyway? It’s a lot.”
five star review from reader nerdmom0-0.
“When I first read this blog I said Whoa! And then I said I’m not on a horse! Ha ha. That was just a joke. This blog isn’t really funny but that isn’t always what gets the job done. You know what they say. To make an omlet you have to break a few eggs. And what do eggs have in them? Jokes. I mean yolks. Ha ha. Humor is good for you.”
four star review from reader lolsandwich.
“i can type faster than i can read
i hope this blog is good
i was right”
five star review from reader upsidedownunicorn.
“At first, when I read this blog, I was confused. Then, when I saw that no one was reading it, I knew he must be a genius. They don’t get it, I said, to myself. This dude, must be on a whole other level, like, when is a tree, not a tree? I don’t know, I mean, if it’s not a tree, isn’t it called something, else? I have a lot of thoughts.”
five star review from reader fisherstevensego24.
“When I ran across this blog I could immediately tell how empathetic the writing was. I could so relate. I really saw myself in it. Like it was a mirror. Or a photograph of me. With really flattering lighting. Shot in black and white cuz that’s so sexy. Follow me on Instagram at [removed at request of user].”
four star review from reader pikachuyum433.
“I have no opinoin on the blog but you probably this read review becuz people our sheep.”
three star review from reader notruthforyou.
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□ Quoth the raven
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Do you like to read? Have you always wanted to read the classics but don’t have the time. Or you just find old books interminably boring? Well, I’ve condensed five of the greatest works of Western literature down to the bare essentials all for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
A Tale of Two Cities
Aristocrat: You are a traitor!
Barrister: You are a spy!
DeFarge: You are an aristocrat!
Darnay: Oh, dear.
Carton: Don’t worry! I’m suicidal!
Samsa: Hey! I turned into a slug thing.
Family: What the . . . ?
Samsa: (shrivels up.)
Family: . . . so what were we talking about?
Pilot: I’m going crazy.
Captain: Perhaps you should spend some time in a mental ward.
Pilot: That’s probably a good idea.
Captain: Oh? You agree? Then get back in your aeroplane, you a******!
The Lord of the Rings
Gollum: Give it!
Guard: I think that ghost is trying to tell us something.
Gertrude: That apparition is a hack writer.
Hamlet: This play has inspired me. I shall kill now.
Ophelia: Crazy crazy crazy.
But perhaps these posters that I cobbled together for my twitter feed will speak to you nonetheless . . .
And I will leave you with these sage words I was once told as a child:
“If all else fails, sprinkle on some cheese.”
2) Ice cream.
3) Captions that are funnier than the articles.
4) Hidden messages.
5) All music in the guilty pleasure category.
6) Endings (abrupt ones.)
7) Let’s forget I said any of this and eat pie.
“Why were you even dating a piece of fruit in the first place?”
Incidently, I’ve never been able to get a microwave entirely clean. 80% at best. Is there some sort of trick to it that I’m unaware of?
Can I Guess Your Religion by Your Answers to These Five Questions?
You may be skeptical but I’d wager it can be done. Just answer A, B, C, D, or E below. And no none-of-the-above’s or what-have-you. That’s cheating.
A. Franz Kafka
B. Lizzie Borden
C. Gretel (but not Hansel)
D. The guy who invented the trebuchet
A. Cinder block
C. Wax warmer
D. Dyson’s sphere
E. 100-foot tall statue of Jesus
B. 2i + 1
D. The cosmological constant
A. New Brunswick
B. San Bernadino
C. One of the Maldives
D. Seven miles off the coast of Laos
E. The comforting arms of Jesus
A. The soul gravitates from darkness to light
B. The primordial soup bubbled over into trees and dinosaurs and stuff
C. Everything is an illusion of the mind including the mind itself
D. That cake isn’t going to bake itself.
Judging by your answers I’d say that you’re either a Born-again Christian or just some weirdo who likes taking quizzes. Amirite?
(from @pixelatedboat, a frequent source of comedy gold.)
Also, if you’re so inclined, you can follow me at @mutesarcasm where I post dumb jokes and repost a lot of weirdness from other, more popular twitstreams. I’d appreciate a look or two.
Read a book today.
And feed a starving author.
It’s hard to compose metaphors when you’re hungry.