Form 136-55-B. Last modified: 1-9-2017.
Name of Applicant
Applicant’s Date of Birth
Applicant’s Gender (circle one)
Male / Female / Uncertain /
Certain but not socially acceptable
Applicant’s Ethnicity (circle one)
White / Non-white /
Considered white when politically convenient
Reason for Application (check all that apply)
□ Old / Ancient
□ Bored / Restless
□ Virus / Bacteria / Fungus
□ Lapse of insurance
□ Fell down a well
□ Murderer in kitchen
□ Cop had a bad day
□ Quoth the raven
Sign Below if You Agree with the Following Statement.
I, the undersigned, do understand that death is permanent and not reversible. I, the undersigned, am also not of sound mind and/or body.
Signature of Witness
Signature of Executor
Send completed form to:
Office of Gallows Humor
P.O. Box 000
Void, ZZ 00000-000
Do you like to read? Have you always wanted to read the classics but don’t have the time. Or you just find old books interminably boring? Well, I’ve condensed five of the greatest works of Western literature down to the bare essentials all for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
A Tale of Two Cities
Aristocrat: You are a traitor!
Barrister: You are a spy!
DeFarge: You are an aristocrat!
Darnay: Oh, dear.
Carton: Don’t worry! I’m suicidal!
Samsa: Hey! I turned into a slug thing.
Family: What the . . . ?
Samsa: (shrivels up.)
Family: . . . so what were we talking about?
Pilot: I’m going crazy.
Captain: Perhaps you should spend some time in a mental ward.
Pilot: That’s probably a good idea.
Captain: Oh? You agree? Then get back in your aeroplane, you a******!
The Lord of the Rings
Gollum: Give it!
Guard: I think that ghost is trying to tell us something.
Gertrude: That apparition is a hack writer.
Hamlet: This play has inspired me. I shall kill now.
Ophelia: Crazy crazy crazy.
But perhaps these posters that I cobbled together for my twitter feed will speak to you nonetheless . . .
And I will leave you with these sage words I was once told as a child:
“If all else fails, sprinkle on some cheese.”
2) Ice cream.
3) Captions that are funnier than the articles.
4) Hidden messages.
5) All music in the guilty pleasure category.
6) Endings (abrupt ones.)
7) Let’s forget I said any of this and eat pie.
“Why were you even dating a piece of fruit in the first place?”
Incidently, I’ve never been able to get a microwave entirely clean. 80% at best. Is there some sort of trick to it that I’m unaware of?
Can I Guess Your Religion by Your Answers to These Five Questions?
You may be skeptical but I’d wager it can be done. Just answer A, B, C, D, or E below. And no none-of-the-above’s or what-have-you. That’s cheating.
A. Franz Kafka
B. Lizzie Borden
C. Gretel (but not Hansel)
D. The guy who invented the trebuchet
A. Cinder block
C. Wax warmer
D. Dyson’s sphere
E. 100-foot tall statue of Jesus
B. 2i + 1
D. The cosmological constant
A. New Brunswick
B. San Bernadino
C. One of the Maldives
D. Seven miles off the coast of Laos
E. The comforting arms of Jesus
A. The soul gravitates from darkness to light
B. The primordial soup bubbled over into trees and dinosaurs and stuff
C. Everything is an illusion of the mind including the mind itself
D. That cake isn’t going to bake itself.
Judging by your answers I’d say that you’re either a Born-again Christian or just some weirdo who likes taking quizzes. Amirite?
(from @pixelatedboat, a frequent source of comedy gold.)
Also, if you’re so inclined, you can follow me at @mutesarcasm where I post dumb jokes and repost a lot of weirdness from other, more popular twitstreams. I’d appreciate a look or two.
Read a book today.
And feed a starving author.
It’s hard to compose metaphors when you’re hungry.
Walking this dog is hard work.
Man: You’ve hardly gone three blocks.
Woman: Oh, I know. I just think everything is hard work.
Man: You think taking a nap is hard work.
Woman: It is! Do you know how hard it is for me to fall asleep?
At least that’s how I read it . . .