The Form of Dying

Death Application
Form 136-55-B. Last modified: 1-9-2017.

Name of Applicant
_____________________________________________________

Applicant’s Date of Birth
_____________________________________________________

Applicant’s Gender (circle one)
Male / Female / Uncertain /
Certain but not socially acceptable

Applicant’s Ethnicity (circle one)
White / Non-white /
Considered white when politically convenient

Reason for Application (check all that apply)
□ Old / Ancient
□ Bored / Restless
□ Virus / Bacteria / Fungus
□ Lapse of insurance
□ Fell down a well
□ Murderer in kitchen
□ Cop had a bad day
□ Quoth the raven
□ Other

Sign Below if You Agree with the Following Statement.
I, the undersigned, do understand that death is permanent and not reversible. I, the undersigned, am also not of sound mind and/or body.
_____________________________________________________

Signature of Witness
_____________________________________________________

Signature of Executor
_____________________________________________________

Send completed form to:
Office of Gallows Humor
P.O. Box 000
Void, ZZ 00000-000

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Classics Condensed


 
 
Do you like to read? Have you always wanted to read the classics but don’t have the time. Or you just find old books interminably boring? Well, I’ve condensed five of the greatest works of Western literature down to the bare essentials all for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

A Tale of Two Cities
Aristocrat: You are a traitor!
Barrister: You are a spy!
DeFarge: You are an aristocrat!
Darnay: Oh, dear.
Carton: Don’t worry! I’m suicidal!

The Metamorphosis
Samsa: Hey! I turned into a slug thing.
Family: What the . . . ?
Samsa: (shrivels up.)
Family: . . . so what were we talking about?

Catch-22
Pilot: I’m going crazy.
Captain: Perhaps you should spend some time in a mental ward.
Pilot: That’s probably a good idea.
Captain: Oh? You agree? Then get back in your aeroplane, you a******!

The Lord of the Rings
Gollum: Give it!
Frodo: No!

Hamlet
Guard: I think that ghost is trying to tell us something.
Gertrude: That apparition is a hack writer.
Hamlet: This play has inspired me. I shall kill now.
Ophelia: Crazy crazy crazy.
 
 

Aka Buzzfeed Quiz

Can I Guess Your Religion by Your Answers to These Five Questions?

You may be skeptical but I’d wager it can be done. Just answer A, B, C, D, or E below. And no none-of-the-above’s or what-have-you. That’s cheating.

 

bfq-1

A. Franz Kafka

B. Lizzie Borden

C. Gretel (but not Hansel)

D. The guy who invented the trebuchet

E. Jesus

 

bfq-2

A. Cinder block

B. Sieve

C. Wax warmer

D. Dyson’s sphere

E. 100-foot tall statue of Jesus

 

bfq-3

A. Six

B. 2i + 1

C. Eleventeen

D. The cosmological constant

E. Jesus

 

bfq-4

A. New Brunswick

B. San Bernadino

C. One of the Maldives

D. Seven miles off the coast of Laos

E. The comforting arms of Jesus

 

bfq-5

A. The soul gravitates from darkness to light

B. The primordial soup bubbled over into trees and dinosaurs and stuff

C. Everything is an illusion of the mind including the mind itself

D. That cake isn’t going to bake itself.

E. Jesus

 

bfq-r

 

Judging by your answers I’d say that you’re either a Born-again Christian or just some weirdo who likes taking quizzes. Amirite?