Be Careful What You Wish For (You Just Might Get It)


 
 
So, I have taken several runs at creating an online dating profile in the effort to adequately commodify my best attributes for public perusal. The photo I’ve chosen to represent me in this endeavor is the one following.
 
Me at 41 - Small
 
Not a great photographical feat by any means. The lighting isn’t great for one and creates some odd shading patterns. But it’s a decent representation of me, I thought. That is, until I submitted it for analysis to Photofeeler which is an app where people can vote on pictures of people and rate them in several categories. I did this with the idea that if it rated poorly I’d try to take a better picture, but if it rated okay I’d stick with it. The early voting results were not good.
 
Photo-analysis
 
Now it’s only ten votes but I was taken aback by that 2%. It’s honestly hilarious. I’m still laughing thinking about it now. It just goes to show you that even when you’re expectations are low, people can go even lower.

At any rate, I’m going to stick with that photo of me, flaws and all. What’s more I’ll leave you with this quote to ponder:

“If you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

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I Get Praise Sometimes (Satire)

Blog Details
      Begin Date: March 2010
      Number of Posts: 360
      Number of Good Posts: Six
      Avg. Reader Review: Four Stars

Reader Reviews

“This blog uses a lot of words many of them more than five letters. I didn’t know so many words existed. I was going to buy my son a dictionary but I’ll just have him read this blog instead. Not all the words are in here but enough of them are. I mean who uses the whole dictionary anyway? It’s a lot.”
five star review from reader nerdmom0-0.

“When I first read this blog I said Whoa! And then I said I’m not on a horse! Ha ha. That was just a joke. This blog isn’t really funny but that isn’t always what gets the job done. You know what they say. To make an omlet you have to break a few eggs. And what do eggs have in them? Jokes. I mean yolks. Ha ha. Humor is good for you.”
four star review from reader lolsandwich.

“i can type faster than i can read
i hope this blog is good
yep
i was right”
five star review from reader upsidedownunicorn.

“At first, when I read this blog, I was confused. Then, when I saw that no one was reading it, I knew he must be a genius. They don’t get it, I said, to myself. This dude, must be on a whole other level, like, when is a tree, not a tree? I don’t know, I mean, if it’s not a tree, isn’t it called something, else? I have a lot of thoughts.”
five star review from reader fisherstevensego24.

“When I ran across this blog I could immediately tell how empathetic the writing was. I could so relate. I really saw myself in it. Like it was a mirror. Or a photograph of me. With really flattering lighting. Shot in black and white cuz that’s so sexy. Follow me on Instagram at [removed at request of user].”
four star review from reader pikachuyum433.

“I have no opinoin on the blog but you probably this read review becuz people our sheep.”
three star review from reader notruthforyou.
 
 
 
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The Form of Dying

Death Application
Form 136-55-B. Last modified: 1-9-2017.

Name of Applicant
_____________________________________________________

Applicant’s Date of Birth
_____________________________________________________

Applicant’s Gender (circle one)
Male / Female / Uncertain /
Certain but not socially acceptable

Applicant’s Ethnicity (circle one)
White / Non-white /
Considered white when politically convenient

Reason for Application (check all that apply)
□ Old / Ancient
□ Bored / Restless
□ Virus / Bacteria / Fungus
□ Lapse of insurance
□ Fell down a well
□ Murderer in kitchen
□ Cop had a bad day
□ Quoth the raven
□ Other

Sign Below if You Agree with the Following Statement.
I, the undersigned, do understand that death is permanent and not reversible. I, the undersigned, am also not of sound mind and/or body.
_____________________________________________________

Signature of Witness
_____________________________________________________

Signature of Executor
_____________________________________________________

Send completed form to:
Office of Gallows Humor
P.O. Box 000
Void, ZZ 00000-000

Classics Condensed


 
 
Do you like to read? Have you always wanted to read the classics but don’t have the time. Or you just find old books interminably boring? Well, I’ve condensed five of the greatest works of Western literature down to the bare essentials all for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

A Tale of Two Cities
Aristocrat: You are a traitor!
Barrister: You are a spy!
DeFarge: You are an aristocrat!
Darnay: Oh, dear.
Carton: Don’t worry! I’m suicidal!

The Metamorphosis
Samsa: Hey! I turned into a slug thing.
Family: What the . . . ?
Samsa: (shrivels up.)
Family: . . . so what were we talking about?

Catch-22
Pilot: I’m going crazy.
Captain: Perhaps you should spend some time in a mental ward.
Pilot: That’s probably a good idea.
Captain: Oh? You agree? Then get back in your aeroplane, you a******!

The Lord of the Rings
Gollum: Give it!
Frodo: No!

Hamlet
Guard: I think that ghost is trying to tell us something.
Gertrude: That apparition is a hack writer.
Hamlet: This play has inspired me. I shall kill now.
Ophelia: Crazy crazy crazy.
 
 

Aka Buzzfeed Quiz

Can I Guess Your Religion by Your Answers to These Five Questions?

You may be skeptical but I’d wager it can be done. Just answer A, B, C, D, or E below. And no none-of-the-above’s or what-have-you. That’s cheating.

 

bfq-1

A. Franz Kafka

B. Lizzie Borden

C. Gretel (but not Hansel)

D. The guy who invented the trebuchet

E. Jesus

 

bfq-2

A. Cinder block

B. Sieve

C. Wax warmer

D. Dyson’s sphere

E. 100-foot tall statue of Jesus

 

bfq-3

A. Six

B. 2i + 1

C. Eleventeen

D. The cosmological constant

E. Jesus

 

bfq-4

A. New Brunswick

B. San Bernadino

C. One of the Maldives

D. Seven miles off the coast of Laos

E. The comforting arms of Jesus

 

bfq-5

A. The soul gravitates from darkness to light

B. The primordial soup bubbled over into trees and dinosaurs and stuff

C. Everything is an illusion of the mind including the mind itself

D. That cake isn’t going to bake itself.

E. Jesus

 

bfq-r

 

Judging by your answers I’d say that you’re either a Born-again Christian or just some weirdo who likes taking quizzes. Amirite?