(from @pixelatedboat, a frequent source of comedy gold.)
Also, if you’re so inclined, you can follow me at @mutesarcasm where I post dumb jokes and repost a lot of weirdness from other, more popular twitstreams. I’d appreciate a look or two.
Read a book today.
And feed a starving author.
It’s hard to compose metaphors when you’re hungry.
Man: You’ve hardly gone three blocks.
Woman: Oh, I know. I just think everything is hard work.
Man: You think taking a nap is hard work.
Woman: It is! Do you know how hard it is for me to fall asleep?
At least that’s how I read it . . .
Via Jessica Valenti, an exchange between two five-year-olds from a British documentary series that (among many other things) concerns gender roles:
7 Punctuation Marks
33 Adjectives or Adverbs
Pinch of context
1) Sift nouns into a bowl.
2) Peel verbs and cut into wedges. Mince punctuation. Combine with nouns.
3) Place conjunctions in a paper bag. Hammer them to bits. Add to mix.
4) Melt pronouns in a greenhouse. Swirl them into the mix.
5) Pour mix into an oddly shaped pan. Sprinkle adjectives/adverbs on top.
6) Bake halfway. Ignore context. Serves whoever.
Yes, if only push-ups negated cake eating in tandem. But alas . . .
The mind goes where it wants to go,
On extemporaneous journeys and simple flights of fancy;
But right now, my mind is sleeping . . .
(I have no point.)
I look at the profile I’ve concocted,
my self-rendered, global doppelganger,
and only recognize a spurious form of me
as if I’m staring at a photograph of myself
taken from an obtuse angle.
Yet I do not despair – the soul
has never been an accessible medium.
Today we are going to learn some useful, everyday phrases in German. Repeat after me auf Deutsch and then in English.
Hallo. Wie geht es dir?
Hello. How are you?
Mir geht es gut. Danke für die Nachfrage.
I am doing well. Thank you for asking.
Ist das nicht der Tag wunderbar deprimierend?
Isn’t the day wonderfully depressing?
Meine Seele ist schwer mit Bedauern.
My soul is heavy with regret.
Die Liebe ist verwirrend zu dem kleinen Kind aber klar, der Mann auf dem Totenbett.
Love is perplexing to the little child, but clear to the man on his deathbed.
Früher haben wir in den Keller gehen und ziehen Trapeze in der Kohlenstaub.
We used to go down to the basement and draw trapezoids in the coal dust.
Der Supermarkt abgebrannt. Wir verhungern.
The supermarket burned down. We starve.
Bis morgen. Auf Wiedersehen.
See you tomorrow. Goodbye.